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Tense sneering blushing and crying facial |
muscles |
Relaxed sneering blushing and crying facial |
muscles |
Neck hunched |
Neck straight |
Head facing down |
Head horizontal or up |
Gluteus limp hips tilted forward genitals |
retracted |
Gluteus flexed hips neutral genitals thrust |
forward |
Middle back curved and tight |
Middle back straight and relaxed |
Shoulders raised |
Shoulders down |
Abdominals either flaccid or tense |
Abdominals appropriately toned |
Voice high soft and speaking quickly |
Voice deep loud and commanding |
Mumbling stuttering stammering |
Articulating clearly and with conviction |
Stilted halting body language |
Free open body language |
Body taking up as little space as possible |
Body taking up as much space as possible |
Table Submissive Displays vs Dominant Displays in Humans |
We often refrain from using the dominant displays in Table above because they might |
make people feel uncomfortable The more we suppress them the more our ability to use |
dominant nonverbals withers away due to disuse This book will provide a thorough description |
of healthy safe wellfunctioning use of dominant nonverbal behavior |
How we carry ourselves has been molded by other peoples reactions to our posture |
Hundreds of elements of our body language have individual learning histories and have been |
either positively or negatively reinforced until they reached their current settings This |
reinforcement is sometimes outright as when our parents tell us not to stare but is often |
subtle as when peers ignore us until we take the bass out of our voice The people who |
influence you to send them submissive signals may not be doing so because they dislike you It |
may just be because they take it as flattery and dont want you to stop flattering them |
Regardless you did not choose your current postural settings they were inadvertently chosen |
throughout the trial and error of your social learning Most of them were selected during |
Chapter Optimal Quality of Life Training |
childhood and adolescence when you were surrounded by immature people and relatively |
immature yourself |
As you step out of your room get out of your car or walk into the grocery store you are |
constantly trying to determine how you should hold your body You are gauging how much |
impunity you can walk around with You unconsciously scan each area to see whether there is |
anyone you will have to cower before This behavior traces back to experiences you had in |
kindergarten Even in adulthood we relate to people as if they are about to physically attack us |
We overcompensate by being chummy and compliant totally out of proportion with any |
existing social threat This keeps us from being our authentic selves Prepare to leave all that in |
the past and hold your body like there is nothing and no one to be afraid of |
Use activities and below to get a sense of where you sit on this continuum between |
the two extremes of submission and dominance in your neighborhood |
Introductory Activity An Optimal Walk Around the Block |
Take a walk around your block While doing so observe your use of submissive displays |
Remember that the dacile you is not the real you It is a fake character you have come to play |
to get along with people As you read through this book you are going to dismantle this role |
and you can start now |
Think about the behaviors in Table above and try to determine how submissive your |
posture and body language are As you walk experiment with using dominant displays How |
many of them can you use at the same time before you start to feel selfconscious |
Introductory Activity An Invisible Walk Around the Block |
Take another walk around the block but this time either put on a coat hat and sunglasses or |
simply pretend that you are invisible Think No one can judge me because no one can see |
me If you were truly invisible how would you comport yourself How would your body |
language change During this exercise many people notice themselves using fewer |
suboptimal displays What did you notice |
In the past thought that interpreting social interactions in terms of status wasnt |
productive or informative because the concepts of dominance and submission were pass This |
proclamation of indifference toward the social hierarchy made me feel insightful and unique It |
took time to realize that this stance was a play for status in itself |
Most people publicly pretend that the status hierarchy doesnt exist and that there is |
nothing submissive about them However many experts see dominance and submission as the |
fundamental concepts in social science the same way mass and energy are the fundamental |
concepts in physics They are also key concepts of most relationships including working |
relationships in which individuals rely on one another to achieve their goals As such it is |
crucial to identify and efficiently navigate dominance games This book is not trying to influence |
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body |
you to think about status more than you already do It is meant to get you to think about it |
and be negatively affected by it less |
A Description of My Submissiveness |
At this point it is helpful to use my history as an example From my teens through my twenties |
hung out with a rough crowd A number of my friends were convicted criminals and former |
gang members Several were brawny athletes while others were drug addicts enjoyed their |
companionship but was unaware of the extent to which felt compelled to send them |
subordination signals didnt realize it at the time but around them acted modestly at best |
and timid at worst |
Incarcerated people adopt exaggeratedly meek displays and carry these with them after |
being released from jail Burly athletes commonly demand tribute from others in the form of |
deferential body language Drug addicts exhibit some of the worst composure and breathing |
habits of anyone Having these people as companions caused me to unknowingly amplify my |
existing submissive signaling to prove that was an ally not a competitor often felt courteous |
and gracious while sending these displays but even minuscule nonoptimal displays become |
entrenched over the long term Moreover the more often you are submissive the more others |
expect that behavior and the more likely they are to be offended when you try to switch to |
more assertive behavior |
Ilustration A Snarling dog B Subordinate wolf licking the dominant wolf |
You may have experienced trying to become more confident and assertive only to face |
social rejection Heres how it happened to me In my twenties tried to be more assertive at |
work Away from my friends attempted to reduce my subordination signaling doing my best |
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